We performed at a show earlier, which Jake’s brother Dan (Jake is one of our members) helped to organize.  It went well overall.  I sang a couple of solos and had fun!

Anyway, here’s the message Dan texted to Jake after we performed:

“You guys were awesome!  Frannie made the MC nervous and put him on boner watch!”

Thanks?

I just got a message from an 11 to 13 year old in the Philippines (her family is close to ours, and when I was a teenager I kinda babysat her) asking me the dumbest question I have ever encountered.  I know she’s just a little girl and she has a lot to learn about social norms and whatnot.  It’s not like she means to offend me…it’s not like she means to hurt me…if anything she wants to know how I’m doing because she’s concerned.  But I’m allowed to feel whatever I feel, especially in this awful, awful situation.  So right now, I’m irritated, and right now it doesn’t matter how old she is or how socially awkward she is or how big of a language/cultural barrier there may be; I don’t want to bottle this one up and try to erase it, I’m pissed and I need to vent.

Anyway, she wrote something like “Hi!  So how’s life without your mom?  Were you here over the summer because I didn’t see you!  XOXO - hernamehere”

How do you think life without my mom is??  How dare you ask me that so casually, like it’s nothing, like you’re asking me how this season of Lost is going. This is pain that I have to deal with constantly so don’t ask me about it so offhandedly.  I don’t want everyone else’s world to stop turning just because it feels like mine has.  I just wish that people would either be sensitive about what has happened or that they don’t even bother t touch the topic.  If you want to bring it up with me, go ahead.  Just take a few moments to think about what you want to communicate and don’t be an idiot about it.  Try being sincere.

I don’t want everyone else to be down just because I’m down…it’s just weird that other people check up on me and ask how I’m doing, and then they can walk away from the grief and the pain and they can do other things and think about other things because this isn’t their life and this isn’t something that they have to deal with all the time.  And I don’t get that luxury.  I find myself wishing I could just step out of my body and away from my negative emotions for a moment and not feel the weight of the crap I’m carrying around.  I don’t even know how to describe what life without my mom is like.

I’m too tired to keep thinking about this.  Time to sleep.  Sometimes my mom meets me in my dreams.  Those are the only times I feel purely happy.

supertruestory:

I don’t regret sending him the email yesterday. I actually feel pretty good about it. Because even if nothing but bad things happen because of it, I said what I needed to say and I really feel better after getting that shit out, being honest to him and myself and putting myself out there. For some reason, I feel better when I’m taking leaps and pushing myself. I don’t always get out of my comfort zone, but I’m working on that this year and this is something I really need to let go of.

Being so sad and upset and angry.. it’s poisoning. It hurts. And it’s hard to let go of, but fuck, it’s so much better when you do. I think a lot of people hold on to those feelings because at least they’re feeling something. And if you don’t have anything to turn your attention to, you want to hold onto whatever you’ve got at the moment. It’s taking me awhile to get over the whole Daniel thing.. but I really just need time to myself. And not talking to him for the last 6 months was a good thing for me and I’m really surprised I was able to do it. I’m not saying I’m even completely over it.. like last month, when the bitch sent me pictures of him.. I made dinosaur calls for about 2 hours and cried for the rest of the night. But at least today I feel good. I wanted to document it somewhere so when I don’t feel as good I can remind myself of how I felt today.

And I honestly think that it’s ok to not be ok. If things didn’t fall apart then I wouldn’t love the times when everything is together. If I wasn’t so fucked up in the head then I wouldn’t be half as interesting as I am (lol). And if my heart wasn’t so broken then I wouldn’t know how good it feels to put it back together myself.

My darling Britty-titty,

I agree with you wholeheartedly that it’s ok to not be ok.  Feeling like crap is an inevitable part of this process.  A lot of times we look at other people who seem to have gotten over their breakups and exes quickly and unscathed, and we wonder “How come I’m not like that?  Why do I still get all weird and feel weak?”  Honestly, the pain is part of the healing.  It feels really good when you look back and realize how much you have survived.

Also, it does feel amazing when you let go of being sad and upset and angry all the time.  I think a lot of people get caught up in thinking too much…thinking about their issues and their emotions all the time and dissecting things, and these negative thoughts consume us.  They make it feel like the crappy stuff is all that we really have going on in our lives, when really, we don’t actually have to wallow in our baggage 24/7.  It took quite a while for me to realize that, and even now I have phases of emotional turbulence that are completely self-induced.  But then I tell myself that happiness is a choice, and I try to bounce back.

Getting back in touch with exes (or at least the ‘major’ ones) can be a weird and confusing thing.  [As you know it has come up for me, too!  Duh…you were there]  This is what I tell myself, and I think you’ve said this to me, too, and I’m gonna say it to you: Be careful, and I love you.  Maybe it’ll be ok, maybe it won’t be so ok, but whatever happens, whatever feelings may come up, I’m here!

supertruestory:

hannah-louise1:

saithis:

I like my taste in music.

I like that I always say what’s on my mind. It gets me into trouble sometimes but it’s better than bottling it up.

Great post.
I like my sarcasm and I like that I’m the girl that usually just “one of the boys”.

I like my corneas and how I can make people laugh by being my odd, clumsy self.